i’m moving my blog. it will be easier to follow and comment. i have heard so many stories about signs from people i come across. i want to create a SIGNS section where people can write in the signs they notice. and i asked in class if anyone knew where i should move my blog to. and i listened. it is a work in progress. i will move my old posts to the new site eventually. i’ve never read a blog before i started writing one. so i’m figuring it out as i go. and here it is.
on my way to union square. Diggin the buzz cut
isn’t it wild that the thing that i feared the most is the thing that let me know i’m ok. i mean really know it.
back when i was diagnosed. last fall. i was taking a walk with michele. she’s the one that i learned from when i was a newlywed. fresh out of 4 years of college here in the city after 3 years at a boarding school in st. louis. my dad’s hometown. when i met michele i was wearing cut off levi’s and a bikini and i was roller blading. i was 23 and had brown hair. i remember the day. perfect sunshiny spring day. we shared this moment on the sidewalk in front of her building and then i bought her apartment and she became my big sister and she had babies and i was learning how to be a wife and then a mom. and i watched her. and we watched party of five. she knows me. from not long after my dad died and before i was engaged.
i always like to hear what michele thinks when it comes to the kids. she certainly got it right with hers. and at the end of our walk - one of those beautiful sunshiny fall days. when i was trying to figure out what to tell the kids and how to tell them. she said to me
they will know you are going to be ok when YOU know you are going to be ok.
but back then i didn’t know. i wanted to believe it. i’m sure i spoke the words. brave face. strong body. focused mind. but sometimes there is that shadow. that doubt.
and then last night i gave myself a buzz cut. and today i didn’t wear a bandana. and my son asked me to not wear my hat to school today. the last day of school. and i took pictures with my kids and their friends and their teachers. and i am a sponge for the love. and so many people are sending it my way. and it’s just so nice. and i am happy and calm.
and that’s the thing that seemed so scary.
michele came over for lunch today. and we watched what my daughter had filmed from the GI Jane night. and i saw myself. a transformation and an awakening. i saw the deep breath. i saw the resolution. the shadow. and the choice. i chose to buzz my hair off. and i did it like a pro. and my kids helped and jason did the detailing.
sometimes life feels like you have to choose each step. and i did. i chose it.
and then i knew. and my kids knew. i am ok.